How Boomers Can Cope with Parents'
Alzheimers, Dementia or Stroke
Dementia of some kind affects 14% of Americans over
the age of 71, and the incidence is rising. Caring for
these seniors often falls to their Baby Boomer children.
Studies indicate that one in four households now cares
for an elderly parent.
Frequently the caretakers are women. According to a
recent AARP study, 8.7 million American women aged 45
and older are caring for both aging parents and growing
children. How they, and their brothers in some cases,
cope with these demands is of increasing concern.
Now even Hollywood has begun to look at the dilemmas
faced by these Boomers. "The Savages" is a
film looking at Sandwich Generation reactions to an
estranged, aging father. Laura Linney and Philip Seymour
Hoffman play siblings, Wendy and Jon Savage, play "Open
Face Sandwiches" - suddenly thrust into caring
for their abusive father while they deal with ongoing
crises in their personal and work lives. How they respond,
and what they learn about themselves in the process,
mirrors the situation for many Baby Boomers.
If, like the Savages, you are propelled into caring
for a difficult parent, undoubtedly you will sacrifice
many things - time, sleep, emotional stability, money,
energy, days at work, dreams of your own. Because of
these extreme pressures, family caretakers report having
some kind of chronic condition at more than twice the
rate of non-caregivers and research suggests that this
additional stress can shorten lifespans by up to 10
years. Here are seven tips to help lighten your load
as you attend to your infirm father or mother.
1. Give up your ideas of perfection
and be realistic about the path ahead. You
will not have the benefit you had imagined of involved,
wise, old parents in your life. Acknowledge that the
dementia will steadily increase and your parents will
become less and less responsive to you. Be respectful
of your parents' dignity even as you transfer control
over their circumstances from them to you.
2. Evaluate your options as
you keep an open mind. There is not one correct
solution for everyone in your situation. It is helpful
to hear from others what they have learned but you are
still the only one walking in your shoes.
3. Look for resources in the
community to help you. Recognize that you
can't, nor do you have to, do everything yourself. Contact
local gerontologists, talk with hospital social workers,
meet with health care aides, visit nursing homes, join
a caregiver support group.
4. Be honest with your siblings
about their responsibilities. Even if you've
been in conflict when them in the past, resolve to have
an on-going dialogue now and be firm about finding a
way to share the caregiving duties.
5. Take care of yourself to
decrease the burnout that is common. A good
support system gives you the opportunity to express
your emotions and receive comfort. Set aside time for
rest and relaxation, difficult as that may be to arrange.
A sense of humor will get you through some tough times,
as you laugh through your tears.
6. Look at how your past relationship
with your parent has affected your present way of life.
This is especially important if your parent was abusive
when you were growing up. Decide to let go of the tendency
to define your behavior today as a response to the memories
you hold of your childhood. Make up your mind to make
changes in your behavior that benefit you now.
7. Grow up. As
you take on the complex chores of caregiver, you are
the one ultimately making decisions about your own life
as well as that of your parents. Both Wendy and Jon
Savage matured as they reconnected with each other and
their father, making dramatic changes in their lives
after his death. They were able to trust themselves
and take chances to achieve what they wanted, both professionally
and personally.
Just as in the aptly named children's game, tug-of-war,
you in the Sandwich Generation may feel like you are
in a battle zone - pulled simultaneously from both sides
and stretched to the limit in the middle. It is a struggle
to sense the breaking point, which must be done to protect
yourself for the long haul. It's not easy to put limits
on the connection with your aging parents, but you need
to place that relationship in the context of the rest
of your life. Trust yourself as you design a plan that
works for all of the family, yourself included.
Other Articles by Rosemary & Phyllis:
Launching
your "Kidult"
How Boomers
can Sing "Rock & Roll" Instead of the
Blues
Taking a Staycation
Michael Jackson
and the High Cost of Fame
Survive the
New Economy with Shared Housing
What We Can
Learn from Ted Kennedy
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman,
Ph.D.
www.HerMentorCenter.com
Blog: www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com
Los Angeles, California
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